There was a time, not too long ago, when I saw myself as a free spirit. And every so often, the people in my life would voice their agreement.

I was entirely focused on teaching myself to think in ways that allowed for unlimited possibilities. And during this time, I became somewhat obsessed with the idea of being free. So I started to uncover what that could mean in my practical, everyday life.

This is what sparked the commitment that I made to myself just over a year ago; I promised that after college, I would take as much time as I needed to travel far away and exist without any obligations. The free spirit that I still felt within me was completely and utterly tantalized by this idea.

And I kept my promise.

Here I am exactly one month after my great exit, reflecting on the reality of my current situation. Granted, I never crafted a concrete list of expectations for how traveling like this would make me feel. But I do think that I romanticized this inner free spirit a bit too much.

It is true that right now, I have the most control over my own life than ever before. I can pretty much do whatever I want, within reason. But instead of embracing the bliss and magic and power of my free schedule, I’ve been feeling stuck, and on some days, slightly empty.

Finally, after countless hours spent contemplating my emotional turmoil, I am now realizing a profound flaw in my free spirit mentality:

It was my privilege and avoidance that enabled me to even think about and pursue the feeling of total freedom that I had been longing for.

Even though I am personally free — from obligations, work, long-term employment — I will never be truly free until we are all free. Never before have I related to the following quote more than I do in this moment:

“If you have come here to help me you are wasting your time, but if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”

— Lilla Watson

What I have been feeling lately, in place of peace and stillness and freedom, is the heavy weight of my aloneness, and my recent inaction.

I left behind my communities to seek out a taste of personal freedom. And I told myself that I would return to more meaningful work after I found what I was looking for.

But I am now realizing that, while it is important to rest when needed, it was my ignorance that made me think I could get away with experiencing true freedom in an inherently oppressive society.

Ironically, with this revelation, I feel more free than I have felt since I left.

The truth that I now feel confident in is this:

The closest I will ever get to that feeling of total freedom is somewhere along the difficult and mind-breaking journey toward collective liberation.

Only through my commitment to supporting others in the fight for justice will my inner spirit be free.

And maybe the spirit within me doesn’t need to be free from it all. Maybe she’s an angry spirit, always attached to love and fury and fire.

Whichever kind of spirit she is, I trust that she will lead me where I am meant to go.

Moving forward, as I continue on my with my travels, I will remember this. I will experience the unshakeable beauty and the ancient wisdom of the places I visit and the people I meet. I will delight in the self care that this enables me to practice.

And wherever it is that I end up next, my angry spirit and I will rejoin the movements I love, and continue onward.